Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Talk about suspension of disbelief...

Today's movies can sometimes be a little over the top. With advances in visual effects, filmmakers are becoming less and less limited in terms of what they can put on screen. But there's one premise that no moviegoer should ever be asked to buy into:

She looks like she's about to Jazzercise.

I can sit in a darkened theater and believe that cars transform into giant robots and say stuff like, "My bad." Or even that a giant ape that lives on a dinosaur-infested island prefers blonde's. But a 110 lb. woman taking down her psychotic 200 lb. ex-husband? No way.

I don't care how many Judo lessons she takes. One solid punch in the face and she's out cold. Trust me, I punched a girl in the face in the 9th grade and knocked her down some stairs and she easily had 30 lbs on me. It was awesome.

Maybe if the unhappy couple was played by these two:

And that's a big maybe.

But it's not just Enough. It's any "tough chick" in any movie or TV show. The idea is too ridiculous to be believable. Now lets say you and one other person are the last two survivors of a zombie apocalypse. Who would you rather have at your side:

There is definitely a wrong answer to this question.

If you guessed the old man with the walker, you are right. Do you know how easy it would be to replace that walker's legs with sawed-off shotguns and chainsaws? Any respectable zombie would take one look at that human weapon and limp the other way.

If you guessed the "tough chick" you are wrong and will not survive the zombie apocalypse. She may look tough/annoying in that photo with her leather and chains, but put her in the middle of a zombie-infested city and watch how quickly she locks herself in the nearest public bathroom and starves to death.

As annoying and unbelievable as "tough chicks" are, they're not going anywhere anytime soon. So if you're a big shot director and the studio execs are breathing down your neck to cast a female in the role of the troubled ex-Marine who's haunted by her dark past, I urge you to at least find an actress who is the following:

1. Hideous
This photo was taken right after someone asked the question,
"Who here has ever taken a bath in infant blood?"

2. Butch
Don't let the smile fool you. She knows her
way around an automatic weapon.

3. A member of the WNBA
After this photo was taken she literally finished eating that net.

A woman cannot be attractive, petite, and tough at the same time. It's a scientific impossibility. And stuff.


Luke & Erica said...

First of all, I love that movie Enough, especially when she kicks the hubbies @$$. I agree for the most part about women playing the "tough chick" can be over rated, but there have been a few gals, that even Lucas has been afraid of. Mila Jovovich is not one of them.

Chris said...

Yeah the only one that comes to mind for me is Trinity in the Matrix. And Charlize Theron in "Monster". She was so scary. Tell Luke that my favorite wedding present by far was his flaming backhand. I will never forget it.

Bex said...

You cracked me up! My BFF is beyond 40 years of age. But whenever she seems a movie such as 'Enough' or *shudder* 'GI Jane' she gets this strange, militant fist-in-the-air thing going and yells, "YEAHHHHH!" at the top of her lungs.

She celebrates the idea, I guess, of the nymph taking out the bad guy. But I agree with you, in principal, that it's unlikely. Unless you're talking about ME in which case I'll scrape your face off with my...um...whatever it is that people use to scrape off faces.