Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Have you ever crapped your pants in front of six people in a Super Shuttle van? ...yeah, me neither.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Lindsey's ridiculously photogenic fiance Chris. She's become a little obsessed with blogging lately so I figured it was time for me to see what this is all about. And what better way to break the ice than by telling an "I crapped my pants" story.

Let's be honest for a second. We've all, at some point in our lives thought to ourselves, "If I try to fart right now, there's a ninety percent chance that I'm going to poop a little. But you know what, I know my colon better than it knows itself and I'm calling it's bluff." This is commonly referred to as "gamble gas".

Anyone with a colon has at some point, gambled and lost. Whether it's a mini-shart after a 2 a.m. Filiberto's run or a total colon blowout extravaganza after five-too-many churros at Disneyland, we've all been there. In public. With our pants/shorts/sweats/capri's/socks (I'm just assuming that if you were wearing a dress the poo would slide down your leg and into your sock) full of poop.

But I digress.

Before I moved to California I worked for a company called Super Shuttle. They prided themselves on having creepier drivers per-capita than any other airport shuttle service. See below:

I'm pretty sure I saw one of these guys chewing on
a human elbow in the holding lot.

It's like he's saying, "I can drive you home! I know where
you live! seriously, I've been inside your house."

Anyway, I was one of the few un-creepy drivers at the time, (although after you read this post you may disagree) and I worked for Super Shuttle right up until I moved to California.

It was an okay job. My van had over 300k miles on it and we had to pay for most repairs out of our pockets even though we were only responsible for a few thousand of said miles. Most of my co-workers would steal every passenger they could get their hands on when they weren't busy telling dirty jokes or just mumbling incoherently over the cb radio. And in the barren wasteland of Arizona it was nice to know that your a/c would blow cold as long as you were doing 60mph or more. Like I said, it was okay.

Anyway, one stupidly hot summer day in Phoenix I was driving around the city picking up passengers to take to the airport. My van could hold seven people including the driver and I was on my way to the sixth, so this was shaping up to be a pretty great run. The last guy lived in an apartment so I left my van running in the parking lot while I went to get him. He answered the door and said he needed a few more minutes. I said, "Okay. I'll just wait for you in the van. We're parked outside."

So far so good, right? Well on my way back I was feeling pretty good about the money I was about to make so when my colon was like, "Hey, wanna make a bet?" I was all smiles and confidence. Little did I know that I was about to lose the biggest hand I'd ever been dealt. I gave one little push and suddenly this happened:

I chose Niagara Falls for two reasons:
1. It closely resembles the consistency of my poo on that particular day.
2. The amount of water. Seriously.

The people in that picture symbolize the people sitting in my van, wondering why their driver suddenly stopped in his tracks and shuddered like he'd just seen a ghost.

I had to think fast. I managed to waddle back up to the guy's apartment all the while thinking, "You know, if I could live this day over again I probably wouldn't wear shorts." He answered the door and I asked if I could use his bathroom. He obliged and I walked through his living room, being careful not to "spill" of course.

I locked the bathroom door behind me and cleaned myself up as best I could, considering they were out of toilet paper. I almost used one of their towels but decided to keep that last shred of dignity my colon had left me.

To be honest, I couldn't smell anything as I walked back out to the van. And I wasn't about to try. I have my limits. I just assumed that underwear previously filled with poo = smelly shuttle driver. But on the way back to the airport nobody said anything. Maybe the smell of the van and it's five thousand previous drivers overpowered my own. Maybe they
could smell it, but were too embarrassed to say anything. Personally, I'd like to think of it as divine intervention.

By the way, i told Lindsey this story when we first met and she instantly fell in love with me. Romantic, huh?


Lindsey said...

I will never get sick of this story! You should make an animated short of it and make millions... because you probably could. I love you!

Deanna said...

I forgot to comment on this one, but I meant to.. and is it creepy that I am the only one who has commented on your page? No. SO when I was reading this, my stomach hurt from laughing so hard, in my little girl/patient bedroom at 1 AM. I'm sure her parents love me. This is the best pooping pants story ever. It even tops all of mine. I think I forgot how funny you are. Really funny. mbye.

Chris said...

Aww, thanks. I'm glad i could make you guys laugh, even if it's at my own expense.

camilla said...

So,I saw on facebook that you added this blog. After reading this story, I can tell your blog is going to be very interesting. I'm definitely adding it to my list. And Lindsey, you might laugh at this story for now. But if you're marrying him, you will be the one washing his underwear, which is NOT me....