For filmmaker Michael Bay slow motion is part of a complete breakfast.

Last month my wife and I got an HD video camera and I'm pretty sure I love it more than our future children. Definitely more than our cat. Sorry, kitty. Maybe if you didn't snore I wouldn't want to throw you in a wood chipper. Seriously, a snoring cat? I thought that only happened in cartoons.

Anyway, this camera is beautiful. Eventually I'd like to use it to do wedding videos but in the meantime I made a short movie to practice editing, cinematography, etc. But before I post it I feel like I should explain something.

Now we've all seen at least one of Michael Bay's films. If you can't remember any off the top of your head just try thinking of the last movie you saw where the characters were sweating for no reason and every five minutes there was a mandatory explosion followed by a car flying off a building and crashing into a flaming helicopter in slow motion. All essential elements of any Michael Bay masterpiece.

I'm not criticizing the guy. You can't deny that his movies are successful. He could film himself taking a dump and call it Armageddon 2: You're Literally About To Watch Me Poop For Two Hours and people would go see it.

He just has a way of making the ordinary look epic, and I respect that. So the following video is an impression of Michael Bay eating a bowl of cereal:

Some celebrities can be really annoying. And by some I mean Pink.

I'm not usually one to voice my opinion on the subject of which talentless female pop star most deserves the gas chamber. But if it was the final question on Millionaire and I HAD to choose, I'd say Pink before they even finished reading the question. And I would win. Here's why:

Dr. Seuss haircut + beer bottle + itchy crotch = Hardcore.
Or crabs.

It's like the photographer was saying, "More annoying, Pink.
Come on, make me want to punch you in the throat. That's it."

One time I was stopped at a red light on my way to The Pottery Barn (they were having a sale) and I decided to turn on the radio. The last thing I remember hearing before I blacked out was "iiiiiii'm comin' up so y-". I woke up several hours later in my still-running car, covered in dried vomit. It took two months and almost four hundred dollars to get rid of the smell. Nice one, Pink.

But this isn't just about her music. An autistic chimp could write better lyrics, sure. But it's her personality that really makes my blood boil.

I hate it when celebrities sing about something they know nothing about. Take Weezer's song Beverly Hills for example. The chorus goes something like, "Beverly Hills. That's where I wanna be!" Umm, you are. Or if you're not then you could be if you felt like it. You have millions of dollars. Shut up.

Pink wrote a song to George Bush accusing him of a lot of things including not knowing anything about hard work. Move over, Shakespeare:

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothin' 'bout hard work

While I kind of agree with this sentiment, Pink is hardly the one who ought to be bringing it to his attention. She spent a whopping nineteen years on this planet being not-famous before releasing her debut album at the ripe old age of twenty-one and becoming a millionaire.

And since when is building a bed out of a cardboard box hard work? Bums hate hard work, Pink. That's why they're bums.

The song should have gone something like this:

Let me tell you 'bout hard work!
Doing a photo shoot after pulling an all-nighter in
the clubs of North Hollywood!

Let me tell you 'bout hard work!
Deciding which car goes best with my current hair color!

Let me tell you 'bout HARD WORK!
Having to stay in a four-star hotel while mansion #3 gets renovated!

Pink needs to spend less time telling the press how hardcore she is, and more time working on her songwriting abilities. Because as it stands, I've found more meaning in the theme song to Charles in Charge than I have in all of her music combined.