Friday, April 17, 2009

Two TV commercials that make me want to hadoken a small child.

For those of you who don't know what a hadoken is, get a life. Or a copy of Street Fighter II for the Super NES. Or both.

Translated literally hadoken means "surge fist". Feel free to go
look in the mirror because I'm pretty sure your eyeballs just exploded.


Back on topic. I never thought I'd say this, but watching live TV has become a risky and dangerous pastime for me. I can't fast-forward through commercials so I never know when a ridiculously irritating one will pop up and annoy me into a mini-coma*.

min⋅i⋅co⋅ma*

-noun, plural mas.
1. A miniature coma lasting between one and seven hours. The victim usually wakes up with mild head trauma and self-inflicted rug burns from thrashing around on the floor like a rabid ferret.

It's real. Look it up.

This first example caught me off guard in a big way. The premise isn't necessarily bad. And the goofy white guy behind the counter is actually kind of funny. But it's the song in the last three seconds of the commercial that always seems to induce projectile vomiting.


I want to find the guy who wrote that jingle so I can chop him up
into little pieces and feed him to the guy who sang that jingle.

Seriously, the singer sounds like he's about to burst into tears. Ridiculous. Unless the director at the recording session was like, "Alright, Julio. I'll count you down. Here we go! Ready in five, four, three, by the way your wife was hit by a Mac Truck this morning and is in critical condition, two, one, aaaand..."

You're singing about a restaurant called "The Crazy Chicken", not auditioning for the part of John Proctor in The Crucible. Relax.

This other example will definitely incite uncontrollable violence. So if there are any small children around you, make sure they deserve to be kicked in the face.


I can't decide if this ad is trying to get me to go to
Six Flags or set a local retirement home on fire.

The guy who pitched this idea needs to be deported. To Iran. I heard that the day this commercial aired, police reported a 9,000% increase in head-smashed-in-with-a-television-related deaths. It makes sense.

Old people are good at three things: Pooping their pants, being scared of the Internet, and dying. Dancing is right up there with roller coasters and sex on the "Things that will probably kill me" list. In other words, not only is this commercial not funny, it's also a scientific impossibility.

That's a double whammy, Six Flags Advertising Department! And if that's not bad enough, I'm pretty sure that with enough time and/or scientists, we can directly link this advertising campaign to the current economic collapse. And the Holocaust.

On an unrelated note, how ridiculous is the heat in Arizona? Here's a picture of a newborn baby frying on a Phoenix sidewalk:

This is just a crude re-creation of the actual event.

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